This is my life as it comes hurdling by....

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I can't sleep

I laid in bed for an hour before I finally gave up and got out of bed. I have so many thoughts pouring through my head that I can't seem to fall asleep. It seems like I have heard so many sad stories of families losing their fathers/husbands and parents losing their children.

Stories like this consume me. I can't help it. I cry buckets for these people, some who I don't even know. A million thoughts go through my mind, like, what does it feel like to know that the person you have always shared a bed with is never going to lay next to you in it again? How do you get used to the fact that you will never see this person again, never feel the touch of their skin, never give them a kiss.

My heart can't take these kinds of thoughts yet my head can't seem to get enough of them. I don't know what it is about losing someone that makes me like this. Maybe it is inexperience. I have been fortunate enough to have lost only a few people in my 30 years of life. I know this makes me very spoiled.

Maybe it's that I know how much I love my life and how something so random and unexpected could happen and change everything at any minute. I could wake up tomorrow and get some kind of horrible news that could change my life forever. How would I deal with that? What would I do? We are such a strong family with a very tight bond. Could something in this world happen to shake up this good thing that we have going? I could drive myself crazy thinking of all the things that could happen to one of my boys or Jay.

And that is where my mind is tonight. Keeping me awake, thinking about things I have no control over. Why oh why do I worry about things like this? Is it just me or is this parenthood? Does anyone else obsess over this kind of thing?

2 comments:

The Holmes Family said...

You sound just like me! I have been over and over these things in my mind...and crying buckets for these people! I think that it's part of growing up and being a mother. I always thought that I would understand death more the older I got, but in all actuality, I understand it less. I guess this is where we just put our faith in God.
So, you aren't alone in thinking about these things. Or not sleeping:)
You have such a beautiful family and a darling little blog! Thanks for sharing!
Missy

Tiffany said...

You're not alone! I totally do this too. I think that it is worse now that I have children of my own and can't even imagine not having them in my life now. My husband always tells me that I'm just being pesimistic! Guess that it just makes us appreciate what we have even more. Hope you're able to get some sleep tonight :)

Also, cute family pic as your header!!